


Quitting

by apunks



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 20:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2283066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apunks/pseuds/apunks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco doesn't know what to do after Jean dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quitting

After Armin tells him what happened at the hospital, Marco nearly collapses. Eren and Mikasa had to hold him up just to keep him steady. The words  _Jean is dead_ repeat in his head over and over and over again. 

Marco feels lightheaded after the third hour of crying.

 

* * *

 

 

Jean promised him a future. He promised him a big house, some kids, and even nice cars. He promised moonlit walks, picnic dates, and kisses every single day.  Jean promised him so much but couldn't fulfill any of it at all.

Marco supposes he suspected that from the start. Jean never fulfilled his promises anyways.

 

* * *

 

 

Mikasa mumbles a small apology when she visits him the next day, but he doesn't know what she's apologizing for. She didn't kill Jean. Jean killed Jean. Jean should be the one apologizing to him.

"You don't have to say anything, you know," Marco tells her curtly after she mumbles her condolences. "You didn't have anything to do with it, right?"

Mikasa looks confused. Marco rejecting an apology? That's unlike him. "I-I'm sorry? What?"

"You didn't kill him." His gaze is locked onto Mikasa. " _Right?_ "

Now, Marco knows Mikasa did  _nothing_ to get Jean killed. (If anything, Mikasa's always been the one to make Jean avoid his death.) She just couldn't help looking nervous. Marco is scaring her. He knows.

"I didn't do anything," she says finally, getting back to her usual stony self. 

"Right," says Marco. "Thanks though. You lost someone too."

"Yeah," she mumbles. "I guess I did."

Everyone lost someone. Mikasa lost a little brother. Sasha lost her cooking class partner. Eren lost his co-worker. Connie lost his drinking buddy. Marco lost his lover. 

He doesn't think he'll get over it anytime soon. None of them will.

 

* * *

 

 

 **12:30 pm:**   _"_ _Heeey Marco! Connie here. Sasha and I just wanted to know when Jean's funeral is being held. His mom called us and asked when it was being held, and she told us you weren't answering her calls? I know it's none of my business, but that just doesn't sound like you. Alright, call you later!"_

 **1:00 pm:**   _"Hi Marco! It's Sasha. You didn't answer Connie's call or text him back like you usually did. Just wanted to know if you're alright. Call back when you can, alright buddy?"_

 **3:46 pm:** _"Marco, it's Eren. Everyone's been worried. I have no idea why you're not answering your calls_ or  _your texts. It's really weird. Please call one of us. We're really worried."_

 **5:05 pm:** _"Marco, pick up. It's Annie. Stop ignoring us."_

 **7:24 pm:** _"Marco? It's Reiner. I really need you to pick up, buddy. We're all at the coffee shop, and you're the only person that's not here. Call back please."_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Marco feels sick. Everyone's been pestering him about calling back, but he doesn't want to interact with anyone unless they're Jean. He really misses Jean. He knows that Jean misses him too.

 

* * *

 

 

 **Armin:** Are you okay?

 **Bertholdt:** Marco, please answer one of us.

 **Mikasa:** I'm coming over if you don't answer us. Pick up, Marco. We're worried.

 

* * *

 

 

For some reason, Marco can still feel the tips of Jean's fingers lingering on his hip. The weird sensation of arms wrapping around his waist overcomes him. It's as if Jean came back as a ghost and wanted to touch Marco one more time.

He can hear whispers. Jean's whispers. Jean's still talking to him even in the afterlife.

_"I'm back."_

"I know," Marco answers, stroking Jean's ghostly arm. Jean hums into Marco's ear, and he feels a breeze pass him. 

_"I missed you."_

"I know."

 _"Is_ I know  _your default setting now? You've repeated it several times already."_

"No." Marco turns and laughs into Jean's neck. It's cold, but he supposes that's normal. He's dead afterall.  _  
_

Jean gives him a breathy laugh. _"They've been worrying about you."_

"I don't care," Marco says, tears brimming his eyes. Jean, he finally has Jean back, and that's all he really needs. He doesn't need any of them. He'd trade them for Jean. "I have you, and that's all that matters."

Jean shakes his head and pushes himself away from Marco.  _"I'm not real, Marco."_

"But you  _can_ be, Jean!" Marco yells at him. He throws a hot pillow at him and it flies through his body. Jean turns to look at the pillow and then turns back to look at Marco with a sympathetic look in his eyes.

 _"Look at it, Marco,"_  he says, pointing at the pillow.  _"It flew past me. I'm dead. I'm a figment of your imagination. Nothing more, nothing less."_

"Don't do this to me, Jean." His voice is cracking, and he feels so hollow inside. Jean disappears before he can say anything else.

 

* * *

 

 

Jean is laid to rest a few days after Marco sees him.

_"This isn't true."_

Marco feels that this is not real.

_"I'll see you later, Marco."_

Marco sees Jean floating by his casket, that damn cocky smile still plastered onto his mouth.

_"I'll meet you at that soda place. My treat."_

Marco hopes that he keeps a promise just this once.

 

* * *

 

 

Marco sits alone at the diner alone. The streets are empty, just like his heart. The waitress hurries to his table.

"Can I get you something?"

After looking at the menu for the last time, he looks up at her and says, "No thanks. I was just leaving." He gives her a wave, a smile, and a goodbye.

 

* * *

 

 

Of course they use Ymir to bring some sense into him. They used Ymir when Eren's mom died, and after five sessions, Eren was ready to let go of her. Marco knows five sessions can't cure him. Even if Ymir is the best therapist in the city, she can't make him forget Jean.

"How do you feel, Marco?"

"Not so great."

"Can you tell me why?"

Marco can't quite pinpoint why he doesn't feel so great. Yes, Jean died, and that is the most traumatizing event he's ever experienced, but he's not sure if that's the reason why. Maybe it's because of the drink Jean had or the car he crashed into. Maybe it's because Jean's not there anymore to tell him  _I love you._

He doesn't really want to tell Ymir this, so he keeps it to  _I don't know_ and moves on.

 

* * *

 

 

Marco sits down with Mikasa a few days later because he's still confused and he doesn't know what to do. He still has so many questions, and he needs so many answers.

"I just don't get it," he says, hands raking into his hair. "It's not like him to go out and drink so much. The coroner even told me that his the alcohol in his blood was above the legal level. And to top it all off, he tries to drive himself home. He's not that stupid."

Mikasa stirs her coffee, mixing cream and sugar in. "He was depressed, you know."

Marco stops eating his croissant. "Wait, what?"

"He was depressed. He didn't want to tell you because he knew that would freak you out, but it ended up hurting him even more. He always made bad decisions."

Marco glances at her before trying to eat his croissant again. He fails, his appetite escaped him the second Mikasa mentioned Jean's depression, and he pushes his plate towards her. She gives him a confused look. "I'm not hungry," he says. "You can have it."

She takes it hesitatingly. "He never told you?"

"No," he answers under his breath. "He never mentioned it."

 

* * *

 

 

Jean always lied to him. Always, always,  _always._ His mom always warned him about liars.

_"Liars always die first, you know. God doesn't like liars. That's why He kills them off first."_

Marco was never religious. He doesn't believe in a God. He knew that this was just some sick coincidence. 

Hopefully, this was all just some sick dream that he just needed to wake up from.

 

* * *

 

 

 **Marco:** Can you tell me what he told you while he was depressed?

 **Mikasa:** Marco, it's midnight.

 **Marco:** I just want to know.

 **Mikasa:** Alright. He always talked about "quitting." I didn't think he was serious about it.

 **Marco:** Thanks. That's all I needed to know. Goodnight. Love you. Tell them that too.

 **Mikasa:** Them? What? Marco?

 **Mikasa:** Marco? Please.

 **Mikasa:** Marco. Don't do anything stupid.

 **Mikasa:** I'm grabbing Eren. We're heading over to your place now.

 **Mikasa:** Marco?

 

* * *

 

 

It's unfair. Jean doesn't deserve a free pass if Marco couldn't have one. Jean couldn't quit without telling Marco first. That's why Marco's quitting too. 

That's all he wanted anyway. To be with Jean. Quitting just brings them both together.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this instead of doing laundry. i just needed to write angst. here is angst.


End file.
